005 computers, 158 self help

There’s three things I’d like to see invented for mobile phones that I think would have to be hardware things but I could be wrong. If so go ahead and say there’s an app for that.
1. Whereby two phones could be linked and have a Geiger counter like thing that made more noise the closer you got to each other. It’d be for you and your S.O or an idiot friend, and used when you’re trying to meet them in a crowded area devoid of landmarks. Those conversations that go, “I’m standing right on the corner”. “I don’t see you… Hold on… I’m here. Where are you?” “on the corner.” “which corner? “the McDonald’s corner”. Those conversations are awkward and frustrating. It’d be good to have this function turned on without the phone being fully turned on.
2. There should be a little chunk that you can pull off the phone and leave, say, at home, so if you go for a walk you can get a readout of how far you’ve walked and in which direction you’re going in relation to the home beacon. This would also be good when visiting new cities provided the hotel room cleaner didn’t steal or throw away the chunk.
3. Three involves the voice activation function that new phones have and again it’s the kind of thing that should work when the phone’s on standby. You’ve misplaced your phone somewhere in the house and you say, “phone, where are you?” and the phone beeps, or if you’re a bit of a fruitcake you could have it say, “I’m here!” in a chipmunk voice. I can’t count the number of times j-e has used my phone to call her phone when it’s been right under her arse.
Just on the voice function, I’m wondering how many people are using it. Not many I’m guessing.There’s a real gap between typing on and talking to the machines. And with the Australian version of Siri, I heard a snippet of it and she sounded like a disgruntled NSW policewoman who would readily give you an involuntary enema if so commanded. Maybe people would be more willing to speak to it if it had a less human, less ‘perfect’ voice. Eg. Like HAL, or c3p0 or the Stephen hawking voice program.

Another book I read is Owning your own shadow by Robert a. Johnson. I’ve got a lot out of his books over the years but it’s alway a tenuous thing. There’s these little nuggets of insight but other bits where he goes way off and always a lack of practical explanation. I always get to the end of reading these short books and think I know I’m going to have to read that again to get the most out of it. He’s a jungian guy and these are Jungian ideas with the shadow being the parts of your self that you hide from the conscious world. There’s a lot there and I’m not going to try to re-explain it but for me the practical, positive upshot of it is that I’ve started writing a series of short stories (that won’t be pasted here) about giving people involuntary enemas.

yak sox @ 10:50 am, February 10, 2012


  1. totally backing all 3 of those ideas – although, in the end, I really just want to be able to text, call and listen to music. There was something not quite right about my brother’s response of, “Wait, let me tell you about the other ones.” after I tried in vain to change the conversation from him reeling off all of the Apps he currently uses on a regular basis – “Wow, you do use a lot of them!” obviously didn’t do the job. And, no, I will NEVER sleep out for the opening of a new Apple store.

    I’m open to one of your enemas if voluntary ones are allowed.

    Comment by Joe — February 10, 2012 @ 8:27 pm
  2. Yeah there’s a bunch of things on my phone that I’ve never really found much use for, but the camera function is one I use a lot, and it’s kind of made the old digi kam redundant.

    Comment by YS — February 12, 2012 @ 9:48 pm
  3. Ah yes – but hell, do they build up if you don’t regularly upload them!

    Comment by Joe — February 17, 2012 @ 7:23 pm

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