[…]

after a year of only the koreans (top rate) choices for english television programming,
(ie. obsession with celebrity and crap hollywood cinema)
i’ve had to re-adjust to the too many options back home in the states.
i generally gravitate towards indie flicks and stuff that makes me brain exercise though occasionally i get pulled into something unlaura-like.
the latest being a reality show where they film a medium contacting spirits for clients.
it got me thinking…

during the drunken years i was stuck in an existential nightmare, a record on skip.
no god (skip) no god (skip) no god, just this, pull yourself together girl (skip)
it wasn’t until i sobered up 5 years ago that the record finally stopped skipping.
first i settled into a comfortable surface buddhist practice
(leaving the deeper doctrine for the professionals).
i could swallow it. it tasted sweet like a lollipop,
after so many years of my life lacking vibrance and comfort and anything lovely.
still i found the god concept difficult. damn my inability to have any faith.
i had faith that my ma and pa would always love me, beyond that… nothing.
(and after a life time of internal struggle perhaps i’ve always had the answers.)
perhaps the answer for me has always been to shut the fuck up.
figure out how to quiet the voices and silence the questions and just breathe…
just wake up,
just stretch,
just walk my puppy,
just be prepared and teach,
just eat my leafy greens at lunchtime,
just drive,
just read my amy tan novel and imagine a long ago china,
just drink my tea,
just sleep,
just take care of my responsibilities and love my family.

i may never have any answers to some of the big giant questions.
not here and now anyway.
#1 on my fear list is losing my mum and dad.
i would like there to be a heaven and/or god to welcome them. (and me. ME TOO!)

last night this tv medium met with a woman who had lost her dad.
she wanted some final communication, some questions answered.
the hollywood medium was successful in finding spirit dad,
saying they tend to be nearby loved ones so it is easy.
pops comforted his living daughter saying he was safe and at peace and even now getting along with longtime enemy, her mother.
i liked hearing this.
regardless of whether it was real or not.
it was comforting to both myself and the woman speaking with her spirit father.

reminded me of my youth.
my mum dragged me over to grandmas house one saturday afternoon.
my punk ass teenage self was not pleased,
far too caught up in the pursuit of my own selfish agenda.
that night i dreamt of grandma.
she passed through my dreamy land just to let me know that she was ok and not to be sad.
early next morning my grandfather called to tell us that she had died in her sleep.
(it was very unexpected. she was healthy and happy and fairly young.)
i recalled her words and as a result, i was not sad.