1. Kiss a pet.
Dogs are generally agreeable and have relatively clean mouths. Cats are usually well groomed but are more passive and tend to get rather than give. Keep your mouth closed.
2. Kiss yourself.
Find a mirror, pucker up, lean close and kiss. Keep the lips slightly parted.
3. Kiss a celebrity.
Watch a favourite movie or show on television and kiss the screen when an appealing star has a close-up. Wipe the screen to remove dust and static electricity, and wipe the screen after to remove any evidence.
4. Hug a pillow.
Full-body pillows are more satisfying.
5. Call a friend on the phone.
After you wish your frind a Happy New Year, give the telephone mouthpiece loud, smacking kisses. (This works less well with cellular phones.)
— Lifted from The Worst-Case Scenario 2004 Survival Calendar