I don’t know why they did it but the ridge on tin cans has become deeper. It’s bad news for people like me with old-school can-openers because they don’t latch on properly. Night after night I’d stand in my little house, over the sink, struggling with a can and opener. After half an hour I could generally get a knife in there and lever it open enough for most of the stuff to come out.
The other night I got these frightful pains in my torso. I put up with it for about 6 hours, thinking I didn’t want to bother anyone with something that was probably only in my head. Eventually I called the 000, reasoning that having a healthcare card would cover the ambulance ride. But the hospital sent a taxi and I did have to pay for it.
There was a bunch of tests. Gaps in memory. I woke up not hurting and some medico said that they’d recovered metal filings to the volume of half a tin-can’s worth. They asked me if I knew how this could’ve happened. In the heat of the moment I lied and said I’d swallowed parts of a kids’ chemistry set to spite someone. I didn’t want them to think I was too cheap to spring for a new-fangled can opener — and you may indeed come to this conclusion, but at this stage, why would I bother buying any more kitchen stuff?
Anyway, they have laptops you can rent in here, so that’s what I’ve done and this is where I am.